"We gather here today," proclaimed the Vicar in a painfully high voice, he wore black robes with the tiny white card beneath his collar clipping against his Adam's apple, "to witness the joining of Jerome Green and Catherine Maddens. If any of you know of any reasons why these two may not be lawfully wed, speak now or forever hold you peace?"
Jerome went to say something and then retracted his hand, giggling. Catherine smiled, bumping him on the arm playfully. She was a wonder in a large meringue dress, a veil previously pulled away from her head. Jerome, not nearly as striking as her, suited his sharp black suit, although the red tie was a little itchy.
"Catherine, do you wish to take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband; to live together with him in the covenant of marriage? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honour and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto him as long as you both shall live?"
Catherine decided to return Jerome's favour by stroking her chin, indecisively, before grinning and saying, "I do."
The Vicar turned to Jerome, smiling. "And Jerome, do you wish to take this woman to be your wife; to live together with her in the covenant of marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto him as long as you both shall live?"
Jerome had rehearsed the two words over and over again in his head, and he knew exactly what to say. "I do."
The Vicar turned to the witnesses, Kevin and Sophie. Kevin had always been obsessed with Catherine, but his best mate, Jerome, from the petrol station where they worked, had won her over and he settled for Catherine's mate, Sophie, or as he thought of her, second best. Little did he know, she had the exact same feeling's for Jerome, being one of Catherine's mates at the crisp family.
"Do you witnessing these promises also promise to do all in your power to uphold these two persons in their marriage?" The Vicar asked.
"We do." Announced Sophie and Kevin in unison.
The Vicar nodded and then it was Jerome's turn to take his vow. "In the name of God, I, Jerome Green, take you, Catherine Maddens, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow." He gave her his ring.
Catherine took Jerome's hand, as he had taken her's, and said, "In the name of God, I, Catherine Maddens, take you, Jerome Green, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow." She gave him her ring.
The Vicar put his hands together. "Catherine Maddens and Jerome Green, having witnessed your vows of love to one another, it is my joy to present you to all gathered here as husband and wife."
He turned to the groom but before he could say anything the small white doors of the registry office creaked open and an asian girl wearing a blue nurse's uniform walked in, looking tired. She was pushing a table on wheels with a mug of steaming drink and a plate of food under a plastic cover.
"Mr Welsh," she said, not looking up, "I've brought your dinner." She looked up from the plate of steamed vegetables. "Oh, Mr Welsh, it's me, Mina. I've brought your dinner."
Mr Welsh, the wiry old figure with the spectacles and the thin grey hair, was standing in front of the window looking out onto the courtyard, where speckled hens ran around. The grey walls loomed over him as he danced a strange pattern around the room, stopping and talking. He was currently looking at her, but not talking to her. "You may now kiss the bride."
He danced to his right, not looking at her but the left wall. He went to kiss an invisible figure, only to dance round to where that figure was and kiss the space where he'd been sitting merely a few seconds ago. Mr Welsh then danced away from where he was standing, closer to Mina, but looking to where he had been. "I can't do this anymore, Sophie." He said and leapt up, racing forwards to where'd been.
"Catherine!" He cried. "I love you."
He ran back to where he'd been crouched and said, "Well, neither can I, Kevin!" He raced over to where he'd been stood and cried, "I love you, Jerome."
Mina left the trolley where it was and snook back out of the door, bolting it's metal hulk shut and snapping the hatch closed. "How is he?" Asked Sister Redfern.
"He's more delusional than usual." Mina replied.
"Split personality," Sister Redfern said, "it's a terrible thing."
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