Monday, 2 February 2015

The Haunted Typewriter

Professor Susan Applade of the Lakes District Located Tarrison University of Archaeology had a surprisingly high need for the constant drinking of coffee. Her good friend Jim Nightingale had many jobs, including the cleaning of brushes and and the supplying of witty humour, but perhaps his most important job was bringing a cardboard cup of coffee in every morning.
"This cup is surprisingly invisible." She said.
"I'm sorry?" Replied Nightingale.
"I was just commenting on the quality of this coffee cup." Applade replied, staring at her empty hand.
"Oh, sorry." Nightingale said. "Bella nagged me all of yesterday and then most of the night and then when I immediately woke up, there she was, nagging me again."
"You've been doing this job for six years, I would expect her to have accepted this is what you do by now."
"She's changed from saying it's not a proper job to saying it's too dangerous."
"To think that one cursed umbrella could cause so many problems."She sighed. (See the Professor's Nightmare.)
"Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late!" Protested Professor Jenkin. "I fell asleep in the library. Now, first day of term, very importance, so on and so forth. Of course, there are some new teachers amongst our ranks. Doctor Tryan and Professor Angus Vivien over here. Doctor Tryan has studied Roman Architecture at Cambridge and Professor Vivien is a leading marine archaeologist, the only one in the country. Sadly, however, an unfortunate accident has left him in a wheel chair, so due to room access Doctor Danton, you'll have to move to the upper section of the university."
Doctor Danton, the man who taught students the value of trench maintenance, flashed red with rage. "Do you know how long I've been in that classroom?"
Applade rolled her eyes. Every so often, Doctor Danton would be challenged to do something and his reply would be something along the lines, "I've been here for a very long time, thus don't make me do whatever it is you want me to do."
Eventually, Doctor Hancock decided that Professor Vivien could use her room rather than Danton's and the entire episode ended easily. It was at that second the bell began to trill and Jenkins gestured for the teachers to go and do what they did best.
"Complaining about the futility of the education system?" Suggested Jim, as they walked out and to class.
"I think he meant teaching." Applade replied.
"Ah right, he meant giving the students a reason to complain about the futility of the education system."

Derren Banks was particularly pleased with himself, having bought an excellent new typewriter from the market. Whilst all the other students were busy scrawling Applade's lectures into black notebooks or then typing them up on silver laptops, he was beating black keys on metal struts with his fingers so that tiny letters would be stamped on a sheet of clean white paper. At the end of every line, there was a loud ding, and then a winding as he began to push the slider back to it's correct position and then continue typing once more. "Banks, what in the name of all sanity possessed you to buy that typewriter?" Applade demanded.
"It's retro," He replied.
"So is Professor Lemmington, but you don't seem to enjoy her lessons much." This was met with a torrent of laughter from the other students. Applade smiled. "No, I mustn't be rude about Professor Lemmington. Nobody has a better knowledge of the Middle Ages than the residents of that time. How old even is the typewriter?"
"1950." Darren read from the plaque.
"1950! That's not retro."
"She'd know plenty about the 50's." One of the lads sniggered.
"I'm sorry?" Jim said, sat behind the lad. "He just said you'd know plenty about the 50's, Professor Applade."
"I meant, I meant because you're a history teacher!" The boy protested.
"Oh really?" Applade asked, as sceptical as a clever person watching a magic trick. "Do you think I was born yesterday?"
"No!" The Student replied.
Applade laughed. "I've always said the third years were my favourite."
"We're second years." Linda Sebble pointed out.
"I think she knows." Jim observed.

The second years had Celtic Study with Professor Applade twice on Monday's according to the new timetable, once just before lunch and then once immediately after. Because of the arm stretching properties of heavy items like typewriters, Banks asked whether he was allowed to leave the typewriter in Applade's classroom whilst he and his friends went to the nearest cafe for a brief chat about things. Applade decided to take this chance to put into place her cunning master plan.
"Thanks, Doctor Danton. I've got to ask, however, how do you know how to pull the bell out of a typewriter?"
"I suffer from Campanophobia. It made typing a difficulty when I first started teaching." Danton replied.
They got to Applade's classroom and pulled the door open to enter when they saw Derren lying unconscious on the floor to the side of the Typewriter. "Not again!" Applade cried.

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