Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Firy of the Christmas Trees (part 4)

The Volvo Tank- or as I like to call it, the National Forestry Commissions Worst Nightmare- was exactly where I'd want to be in the likely chance of a Christmas Tree Apocalypse. As the trees began to swarm towards us, they were ripped apart by a constant barrage of gunfire from the sawn-off barrels on either side, fired by Suzy and Elise. As the two took a moment to reload, the trees tried to swarm the car, but Steve threw the rear end out and knocked most of them over. A few Trees- God knows how- managed to cling on to the car, but I and David saw to them with the mini chainsaws we had equipped the car with. For the second time in two years, I had feeling we would be appearing on Crimewatch. (Which I would like to take a second to apologise about. Sorry.) One of the people they interviewed on Crimewatch had watched us out of their bedroom window, believing us to be terrorists. It was them who called the police as well.
The Police seemed to come out of no where, six panda cars alongside a dark blue van holding the English alternative of a Swat Team. Their government provided tyres drove over the newly deceased trees, crumbling the Pine bark. The blue lights atop their cars shone great beams of light like something from the disco's the people of the 80's seemed to call home. Their sirens wailed like a baby once it got within three metres of me, appropriate because that distance was about the same as the one between our car and the nearest Police car. The Trees continued to swarm out of nowhere and turned their attention to the Police Cars, noticing they were less armed. Suzy and Elise aimed their guns again and fired towards the Christmas Trees on the Police Cars.
"Stop!" Shouted the Professor. "You're firing at the Police! I'm sure that's even more illegal than firing at a civilian."
"We're trying to save them!" Suzy shouted.
"Do you think they'll believe that?"
"Good point." Suzy said, and the two of them stopped firing.
"Professor!" Steve cried. "Look, it's just as you expected!"
"Rude exclamation." I whispered.
Accrington Town Hall has a selection of rooms, one of which is ideal for line/barn dancing. I know this because I once sulkily attended a line dance there and decided that, were I ever to become a cowboy, I would travel the Wild West making that genre of dance punishable by death. Unsurprisingly I'd be called the Line Ranger. Sadly however, the Line Ranger would be of no help against the massive Christmas Tree that stood outside. Shiny baubles hung from all branches with a red glass star at the very top. It began to spin faster and faster as we approached until it was a green and red blur. A malevolent green and red blur.
"Fire the Cruise!" Steve cried.
The Cruise was of course the barrel on the roof- because it was a Top Gun- and it could be fired by loading shells into the complicated mechanism on the back. We did so and then pulled a long lever which fired a puff of steam to force the shell into the barrel. "3, 2, 1!" David cried and then pulled a lever. The entire car shook as the barrel spat the shell out. It flew through the air and hit the tree dead centre, but that only seemed to anger it. "Concentrate our fire on it!" The Professor cried. "We fell the King Tree, we fell them all!"
"What a surprisingly medieval system these Christmas Trees conform to!" I exclaimed.
Steve yanked back the twin strings and the twin bonnet guns fired a torrent of bullets towards the trees. I hoped that the Town Hall had a budget for vacuum cleaning because, alongside our fallen bullet shells, were the fallen pine needles. Hopefully nobody will be wondering around barefooted. The Tree lashed out with gigantic arm, smashing down onto the roof of the car, breaking the super glue bonds that held the 120mm M256 Smooth Bore Cannon to the roof. It rolled off the roof and bounced against the floor. "Activate the Toaster!" The Professor cried, beginning to lose faith in our supreme weapon.
On the press of a button, a jet of pure fire exploded from the bonnet and engulfed the tree in a burning inferno. The tree silently wailed, shaking in chaos as it tried to drop the fire from it's needles. Jumping from their van, the English Swat Equivalant discharged their guns, slaying the tree. That gave us a chance to sneak away, past a CCTV camera, the footage of which made an appearance on crime watch, disappearing into the dark of the night.
Aka student accommodation.

So there it is, the Paranormal Christmas Tree Agency- none of that Pine Resistance rubbish- vs the Firy of the Christmas Trees. Perhaps the most explosive of our exploits and certainly not the most strange. No, that would be an adventure at Halloween the year after...

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